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In 1986, the University of Californa at Davis |
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Saw two of its all time brightest stars |
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Dr. Alphonse Mephisto and Dr. Arnie Abesacraben |
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Dr. Mephisto worked hard towards his thesis |
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His goal was to genetically duplicate the DNA structure of Asparagus |
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So that all Asparagus would grow to the same girth and length |
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Giving Asparagus a much more plea sent presentation |
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In the world's supermarket vegetable bins |
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Dr. Abesacraben's goal was to genetically create |
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The greatest musical entertainer the world had ever seen |
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Dr. Abesacraben knew that if he could assemble |
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The right elements he could theoretically build |
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A DNA structure that would ensure his creation |
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Had talent far surpassing the average individual |
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At the time, one subject of urban myth was the story that |
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Michael Jackson in an effort to retain his youthful look |
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And feminine vocal characteristics, had his testicles surgically removed |
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Thereby making him a modern day castrato |
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If such a rumor were true |
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Michael Jackson more that likely |
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Would have had some of his semen preserved before the surgery |
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To ensure his the future of his name and lineage |
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Word came back to Dr. Abesacraben of a secret cold storage locker |
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Deep within the bowels of the UCLA research center |
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That not only contained four containers of frozen semen |
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But also held a pair of testicles |
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Each was labeled with the name "Jack Michaelson" |
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I once heard a noise |
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In the night the most sensual voice |
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A song of love from an eight year old boy |
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Stuck in my head and this is what he said |
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I am gopher boy |
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Pondering reality |
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I am gopher boy |
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Who will buy my raspberries? |
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This had to be the seed of the king of pop |
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Dr. Abesacraben was able to use his charm |
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And chiseled Greek feature to woo a young lab technician |
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By the name of Jennifer |
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Who of course happened to have the proper access needed to obtain |
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A small vial of the precious semen |
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The search for the egg was a short one |
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Dr. Mephisto simply ran an ad in the classified section |
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Of an airline music magazine |
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The ad read, wanted, unfertilized human eggs for genetic experiment |
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Donors must have musical background |
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With a pleathera of young |
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Eager wanna be music starlets willing to sell their eggs |
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The two doctors, after rigorous auditioning, picked and purchased |
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Dr. Abesacraben felt that it would be far less complicated legally |
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If the fetus were brought to term in the womb of a non human |
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He had long since secured the services of |
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The University volleyball mascot |
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A llama by the name of "Missy" |
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When the baby was ready, the child was removed via cesarean |
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It was a healthy baby boy, he was named Kevin |
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I once heard a noise |
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In the night the most sensual voice |
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A song of love from an eight year old boy |
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Stuck in my head and this is what he said |
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I am gopher boy |
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Pondering reality |
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I am gopher boy |
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Who will buy my raspberries? |
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Kevin was a beautiful child |
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Dr. Abesacraben saw to it that Kevin was trained |
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By the best in all aspects of performing |
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His voice was golden and had a sweetness to it that most males lacked |
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He moved with grace and was able to moonwalk by the time he was three |
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As Kevin grew in his talent |
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Dr. Abesacraben started noticing odd developments in his physical state |
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When Kevin lost his baby teeth |
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His secondaries came in with a vengeance |
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They were at least twice the size of a normal adult's |
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And the two in front stuck nearly straight out |
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Also as Kevin reached his eighth year |
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He was the same height as he was when he was four |
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To top it off, he was growing hair all over and his penis was enormous |
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Even by adult standards |
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It also dawned on the doctor that |
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Even through all the years of hearing Kevin sing he rarely spoke |
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Often choosing to communicate with various grunt and gurgles |
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I once heard a noise |
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In the night the most sensual voice |
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A song of love from an eight year old boy |
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Stuck in my head and this is what he said |
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I am gopher boy |
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Pondering reality |
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I am gopher boy |
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Who will buy my raspberries? |
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Others were noticing the changes in Kevin |
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Children began to tease him, to call him "Gopher Boy" |
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One day a bully by the name of "Big Roy" |
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Started throwing bananas at him |
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Soon a crowd of kids were all throwing bananas |
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Suddenly, in a fury, Kevin rushed at Big Roy |
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And bit three finger fingers off on his left hand |
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Kevin was taken away and placed in the custody of the state |
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Dr. Abesacraben's actions were found out |
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But because there was no |
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Legislation concerning the genetic instruction of another human being |
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No criminal charges were brought forth |
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The medical association's board of ethics |
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Stripped him of all his credentials and his reputation was ruined |
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In fact, his name became so synonymous with failure |
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That for years to come |
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Medical students around the world |
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Were known to say in times of mishaps |
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"Damn, I feel just like Abesacraben" |
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Dr. Mephisto immediately began proceedings to adopt little Kevin |
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Being a noted scientist and the creator of the cloned Asparagus |
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It wasn't long before the two were legally united as father and son |
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They moved to Colorado where they live in relative obscurity |
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Kevin is still a boy of few spoken words |
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Sticking mainly to his grunts and gurgles |
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But on occasion, if you listen closely |
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You can hear his sweet golden signing voice |
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Ring out into the night over the town of South Park |
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I am gopher boy |
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Pondering reality |
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I am gopher boy |
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Who will buy my raspberries? |
